A Tale of Too Many Traumas

Hey Fam! I’ve been creatively inspired by a TV show I watched recently. It’s called Girls Incarcerated: Young and Locked Up. It has kind of put my behavioral issues growing up into perspective. Their success stories have given me hope and inspired me to write a poem about some of my traumas, how they’ve shaped my life, and now dictate my every day thoughts.

I must admit, I’m a bit nervous. This poem contains some very personal information about my life. However, how are we ever supposed to get to know and trust each other if we don’t bare our souls every now and again?!

TRIGGER WARNING: This poem talks about sex, sexual assault, drugs, alcohol, other emotional traumas, and contains some adult language. If you are currently not in the right headspace or fear being triggered, skip reading this blog post.

I call this poem 9am:

From the time I was one and a half
Until I was five
I was having some issues
My health took a small nose dive
With a reflux problem between my kidneys and bladder
My health got worse and I got sadder
Check-ups, doctor’s appointments, and invasive procedures
I was put through a lot of medical trauma
And didn’t understand the reasons
Running from blue monkeys in all of my dreams
My parents will never forget my night terror screams
Unfortunately, no one knew back then
For me, just how traumatic this all had been

As I got older it became apparent
That I had mood issues that were hard to parent
Tantrums, yelling, and dramatic hissy fits
I probably had my family screaming, “Alright! That’s it!!”
My parents did the best they could
Even when they never fully understood
They gave it their all
Even after watching me fall
And hoped things would get better

With so much to live for and so much to see
I never thought this would happen to me
One night when I was sixteen I was doing something I shouldn’t do
I drank way too much and that was your queue
You took what was mine
The thing I cherished most
You stole my dignity, my self-esteem, and part of my soul
After that I hated myself
I’d cry and I’d cry
I felt filthy
And worthless
And wanted to die
I drank alone in the basement
Hoping to drown you out
Nobody knew what happened
Until you opened your mouth
You told the world what you’d done
And you took so much pride
Every day after that
All I could do was find different ways to hide
I didn’t want people to know
But you made sure to not let it go
Rumors began to fly
As my spirit slowly began to die
I was left a hollow shell
Feeling like every day was a living hell

I continued to spiral
I wasn’t doing well in school
I did a lot of things only I thought were cool
Made more poor decisions
I paid for my actions
And little by little I was losing my passions
The faculty and teachers who were supposed to protect me
Scolded me, lied to me, and convinced me I was trash
Lit me on fire and watched me burn to ash

Dance was all I had
Until that was gone too
By this point in my life
I was floundering and didn’t know what to do
My self-respect was gone
My passion taken away
I was slowly being traumatized
Every single day
Kids would tease me and call me names
Call me a whore and make me feel shame
As the days went by
I began to believe the lies
That I was worthless, unlovable, and dirty
To take control I began to become flirty
I tried taking my life into my own hands
I tried gaining control
Taking everything back again
But still falling into that hole
What I didn’t know then was I was hurting myself more
I self-medicated with substances
I became numb to my core

Truth be told I felt nothing at all

Down and down the rabbit hole I go
Nobody to save me
Completely alone
One more shot, one more cig, one more boy in my bed
“After this I’ll feel better!!!”
I screamed in my head
Silly boys used and abuse me
They’d treat me like shit
But it really didn’t matter
Because I believed I was in control of it

All the while my parents worried
And I truly couldn’t have cared less
“Will we get that call tomorrow?”
“How will we clean up this mess?”
You see in order to cope with everything that had been done
I turned off my emotions
Lack of humanity had won
I didn’t worry about consequences
Or who I hurt along the way
The one thing I knew
Was that I’d be happy someday

Time went by and I kept up my bad habits
Things never got better
I began having anxious fits
One day I pushed myself a little too far
A panic attack came on
And I drove off in my car
Where was I going?
Did I even know?
Did I have enough gas?
Or a place to call home?
In my moment of peril, I began to see
Just how badly this lifestyle was hurting me

That was nine years ago
It must have been May
I decided I had to heal
I needed to change my ways
I sought out a counselor
And to this very day
I go once a week for therapy
Turns out I’ve got a lot to say

People wonder why I do what I do
Why I did what I did
Why I acted so aloof
Why I ran off and hid
It was trauma, depression, anxiety galore
ADHD, Bipolar, sexual assault and more
The shit I’ve been put through
The things that I’ve seen
I now know for a fact
They don’t define me

I’ve grown from it all
I’ve even watched myself fall
And I’ll never give in
Because I know someday I will win
I’ll continue to fight because you see
I can’t give up
No I don’t have it in me
I’m hopeful, and happy, and love with every fiber of my being
I have friends, family, and doctors who will always support my healing

I shake the thoughts from my head
As I pull into work’s drive
I can’t believe all the things I’ve been thinking
And I look at the time
It’s still so early
So I reflect on what I can
On all of my thoughts and all that I am
I think to myself…
“Damn! It’s only 9am.”

Thank you for joining me today on my very personal post. I hope this has opened your eyes and encourages you to educate yourselves on the trauma and how to support your loved ones who suffer from some sort of trauma.

Have a FABULOUS Friday and wonderful weekend!

With all my love,

Kay 💜

6 Comments

    1. Hi Jenny! Thank you for commenting. For me, during the experiences, it was painful but I guess I just didn’t realize what it was doing to me at that time. Now, being an adult and understanding it more and feeling like bits of my childhood and young adulthood were taken from me is even more painful. I truly believe that’s why I’ve sought out so much self help. I know I’ve had terrible things happen to me, and it’s also my responsibility to heal and unburden myself from those traumas. I deserve to live a happy life. We ALL deserve to live happy, healthy lives! Thank you for your time and kind words. You are wonderful!

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  1. Dear Kay, Thank you for sharing such personal experiences.. You give me the strength to get through my own personal shit. You give me hope. And I thank you for that.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Jan! Thank you for connecting with me. I’m hoping that by sharing my experiences I can open a door for other people who suffer from trauma to find peace and healing within themselves. Influence them with hope, spark some sort of change in their lives. Break the stigma about mental health, trauma, and many others. I’m sorry you have shit you’re dealing with! It can’t be easy to live your everyday life with so much weight to carry. Without knowing you, I can say with great confidence you already have EVERYTHING you need to heal. Even if you don’t know it right now. You always have, you were born with it. You just need to find it. And because you have hope, your healing is limitless! You’re off to a great start. You are so wonderful, thank you for sharing your life with me. I hope you continue to enjoy the blog and find solace in our posts. Sending love and light your way 💜

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  2. Thanks for your post Kay. Your openess helps me better understand the actions of our homeless clients when the things they say and do make no sense. We are learning trauma informed care and working to heal the underlying issues of substance abuse and mental illness that are so prevalent with this population. There is hope if they are willing to try – you are proof of that. Never give up striving for the best in life. It’s right in front of you

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Kim! Thank you so much for your comment. I’m glad I’m able to give you another perspective to help your clients. A lot of times, people suffering from trauma don’t even recognize they’re using bad behavior or don’t know where it’s coming from. What you’re doing by learning trauma informed care is amazing! You’ll be able to help your clients on a much deeper level, you’ll feel more connected to them, and empowered in yourself. Thank you for all your hard work, the world needs more people like you to care!

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