My BIGGEST Vice…Shhh it’s a Secret

First and foremost, happy Friday the 13th and full moon! So much power and positive energy wrapped up into one day.

Ok let’s get started. So I have a sort of secret vice that I’ve been ashamed of for years. I hide it because it’s not socially acceptable in all my circles, and it’s a nasty habit. I’m a smoker.

I started smoking socially at parties when I was sixteen and it became habitual by the time I was eighteen, now I’m addicted. I’ve “quit” numerous times, but none of my quits have been successful. My longest quit, to date, has been six months without a cigarette. It’s a tough addiction to break.

I’m a stress smoker. This means when I’m stressed, which is all the time, I smoke. I’m also an addicted smoker so I’ll smoke just to smoke. I’m also, also a social smoker so I smoke when other people do, too. I have friends that smoke and it’s easier for me to light up than it is to say no, so what do I do? I light up. You can see why it’s so hard for me to quit!

My parents aren’t smokers and never have been. After doing some research, I learned that some addictions come about because of some sort of trauma so because of my past, I’m a prime candidate. It’s used as a coping mechanism, and boy oh boy is it a great one! I’m not going to lie…I LOVE smoking. I love the way it makes me feel, I love the taste, I love the social aspect, I love the “break” I receive when stepping outside, and I love having an excuse to go outside for 5 minutes. What I don’t love is the fact that this habit could eventually give me an irreversible illness I may have to live with for the rest of my days, or kill me. I also don’t love being ashamed of myself, and I don’t love hiding this from certain people because I’m afraid of their judgement.

You may be asking yourself, “You said that it was a secret in the title, it sounds like plenty of people know. IF it’s a secret, why are you telling EVERYONE on the internet?” Well…I want to quit. I want to quit so badly, but I don’t know if I can or if I’m ready. I’m hoping to gain support from my community. I don’t feel like I can do this alone. Have you ever had something you needed to give up because it wasn’t healthy? It feels nearly impossible.

Why do I want to quit? Besides the obvious reasons of wanting to be healthy, which I rant and rave about ALL the time, it’s a truly nasty habit. Your clothes smell bad, your breath smells bad, it stains your teeth and nails, it’s bad for the environment, and throwing out cig butt’s absolutely kills me! I constantly repeat to myself, “How can someone so health and environmentally conscious smoke cigarettes?” And the only answer I can come up with is, I’m addicted. I smoke even though I know I shouldn’t, even though I know it’s bad for my health, even though it makes me and my clothes smell bad, even though I know it’s bad for the environment. That’s an addiction. Doing something even when you know it’s wrong because you can’t stop.

I’m very open and honest about my addiction with my counselor and doctor. They’re very good at not judging me and trying to find ways to help. One tip my doctor gave me was to pick a date three to four months in advance and slowly ween myself off. Have any of you done that successfully? I’m interested in knowing because I have a date in mind but haven’t 100% committed yet. Like I said earlier, I don’t know if I’m ready to quit yet. Unfortunately, if you’re not all in, you’re all out on this one.

Some of you may still be wondering why I’m sharing this smoking habit of mine. It’s a little deeper than just wanting to quit. I want to show our audience that we all have faults, we all have vices, none of us are perfect. I may preach mental and physical health, I may shout my success stories from the tops of the mountains, but I’m also human. I consider myself to be an average American for my age, which is why I wanted to share this story with everyone. With my community. I want people to know it’s ok to not be perfect. I want people to know they’re not struggling alone and there’s no reason to be ashamed. I want people to know that if we have a goal, we can take small steps to make it happen and be successful. I want to be open and honest with all of you and I want to connect on a very real, very human level.

Addiction is a tough, uphill battle, but with the proper help and supports anyone can be successful in beating their addiction. I’m hopeful that one day I’ll meet my goal of quitting cigarettes for good.

Any of you out there quit smoking for good? Share your story, I’d love to hear what worked for you! Anyone else also struggling with this addiction? Give me a shout, maybe we can be accountability buddies and quit together. Teamwork makes dreamwork!

Thank you for tuning in today. I hope you have a fabulous Friday and a wonderful weekend!

With love and light,

Kay 💛

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